>> why does marisa said that she cant open my blog?
>> should i put a tag board?
>> should i close this blog?
>> i wonder if i add music to this blog, it'll make it more cool [since i cant figure out whether u should say it cooler of more cooler. coz it doesnt mean like a state of temperature..]?
>> i crave for HELVETICA!!
>> i miss my personal jedi knight... yeah yeah, go mock me like you want to!!

Isaiah 54 "Although this chapter is primarily intended to express Zion's joy over redemption, it has also a very personal, long-neglected, and often overlooked message for women - the lonely, the disappointed, the childless, the widow. It has all the glorious confidence and assurance, the incentive and understanding, for which feminine hearts have longed throughout the ages! Every woman who will read it every week for a year with receptive heart and mind will find herself not only spiritually prepared for her own childessness or widowhood, should it come, but also supplied with rich treasure with which to address the similar needs of countless other aching hearts to whom the Holy Spirit is here speaking." [The Amplified Bible]

Have you ever be someone who's been hurt for so many times that you have made yourself a promise: not to cry anymore? Or maybe you've been there, done that. All you're facing now is this new phenomena where, without you want it, or without you realize it, a blunt tear just fall down. You might say it: without permission. And there you are, stumped in surprise, coz you've convinced yourself that you're tough and hard, when the truth is... You just happen to have a fragile and wounded heart.

Regardless to above's metaphor ... Human are meant to cry. Women are designed to shed tears. She might be a strong and courageous female, a warrior, a mighty queen, a mother, a daughter, a princess, a grandmother, a maid, a widow, a whore, a slut, or a lover. The tears of a woman are not meant to be mocked, they are not created to be misjudged, to be considered as a weapon, or a masquerade. Too many women give 'tears' a bad name. They who did that, has too many scars in their heart, incurable ones.

It happened to me. I shed a tear without even knowing that I am. When I finally realized it, I was shocked, after all these times I thought I'm tough, I thought I've built a wall that no substance can ever wreck it down. I was wrong. It was so powerful, that it goes through without ...

...

it goes through, coz it knows that's what i need, it knows who i am.


[thanks to sivad77.ath]

This past few days has absolutely torture me to the edge. My step dad is at home, some of you might understand the tense i'm having. In a way, my emotions become unstable and I really need someone to help me out. to -somehow- catch me when I'm falling apart. Not everybody understands the state of problem i'm having, and not everybody understands me wholly, thoroughly.

When I actually found someone to turn to ... he seemed very busy, very far away. A part of me said that he might not care for me that much, and after this, it finally shows. But, the rest of me, feel like I need to put myself in his shoe, and understand him completely.

To the ones who always comprehend with my needs, it's my obligation, and responsibility to show them back, that I do care and able to comprehend back to their needs. Even if I cant satisfy them with full completeness or perfection ... I do [honestly] tried my best.

I might not be writing in there for a period of time. I need to find that piece of happiness of mine -which I have long forgotten-. When the time comes, this blog will be full of new stories (at least that's what I'm hoping). I might just post a few words, pictures, or maybe just a symbol. I mean, I cant really leave my ramblings without anything inside.

For those who read this blog in order to only track me down, because one cannot reach me .. [too busy or anything], try harder. That is, if you do care enough to look for me harder.

Thank you.

"Dont you ever awaken love, before its time!! Never!"

I read Song of Solomon's this morning, and found the core of my problem. I awaken love before its time, and all I get now is only dissapointment, and continuous sadness. That's one of the reason why I called my blog Kissed 'd Girls & Made 'em Cry. Girls doesn't only have this virginity tissue. In their soul, they also have this virginty tissue of love. I dont think I made this up, coz the following reason might come out right.

WE, particlary girls, are very sensitive. Once you broke our tissue, we become used. It works in the soul section as well. We fell in love, got promises that in the end was really meant to be broken by the one who made it. WE already give most of our heart away, and we get grief in return. It wounded our heart, and it damages our tissue. That torn piece of us will remain torn until the right one come and give us exactly what we need. It opens, it awakens what is not yet awaken in us.

I believe that God created love, and sex [and all that comes with it]for a beautiful reason. And that reason is not lust, or a certain degree to tell whether one is mature or not. It's suppose to be a special thing, a thing that when you enjoy it in the right time, all it brings you is happiness, and fullfilment. For those who already awaken love before it's time, will face [and dont be such a hypocrate on this one!], so many forms of depression, rejection, heart broken, bitterness, anger, betrayl. Then we will hurt others the way they did it. And the cycle will never end.

Movies, song lyrics, friends, etc.. sometimes gives us the wrong definitions of love itself. Wrong time signal, and it makes us got wear out before its time.

I admit, I've done so many things that broke my own tissue, and sometimes I woke up in the morning with a feeling of remorse and ashamed. I feel dirty, and so wasted. I might have love the wrong person too much, or NOT. But the feeling of rejection that I must face over and over, because of my actions, torture me down to the last piece of myself.

I feel so torn apart, I cant think of another person that can heal and give me what I really need. We've all search for love in all the wrong places. It's not easy to admit what you really feel.


[thanks to getunderground

:: Strange & Beautiful // AquaLung ::

"I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me."

here goes the aftermath.. kinda miss him x( stupid isn't it?! sometimes i wonder how love can be temporary. i feel like he love me only in tht particular time. ok, maybe he doesn't love me, now, doesn't it sound more painful? hmm, ok, i can't be that judgy, maybe we can say that he love me seasonly. the term sounded better, doesn't it?

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes..."

this is my predictions: after yesterday, he won't call me. first of all, becoz he's too busy with other matters [such a grown up thing!], and he's running out of credit for sms only. then he can't always call me from his house, coz his father might get upset once he sees the bill. he'll be having so much fun with his friends at saturday, and sunday. and for the next 3 days, starting monday, he'll be back at work. with all of the fuzz and rush. it brings us back to another thursday, where there's a big possibility he wont be going out with me again, since he already has other plans. and we won't be meeting each other till next month or two. sounds familiar??!!

:l can't do much about that, can i?!

"I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me."


[thanks to BBC]

went out the whole day. doin' some 'relaxing' thing ;) which is not illegal!! anyway, after that met alif online. he said that he made this blog for us.. grogol designers, hehehehe. it is made for those who has the blood of grogol design flowing in their blood.

you can find the link on one of "my brewing friends". They name it 'Grogoligans'. hehehehe

today is one the most relaxing day of my life. we didn't talk much when we went out for checking books at Kinokuniya and had coffee at Starbucks. All we had is silence of watching the sunset, and glancing at the fountain. For us, staying in deep silence is one of the best conversation we can have.

:)

reading all emails that talks about advertising. i wonder why suddenly i get interested in it, it's like a new field taht i haven't conquered yet. doesn't mean that i'm being boastful or anything, but i guess it's a fun thing to learn more about.

Ney wrote me a testimonial on friendster. it's a nice one for sure. when i tried to write him back, i click the wrong button, and it was all gone. back to square one!! arrghhh, hate it when it happens. i guess, i'll just wait until my brain can think of giving the same words like i've wrote before.

got a little bit worried right now. i have to be on the youth fellowship, saturday at 4pm. but at 3pm, i suppose to be at cinere, attending meeting about this new freelancing job i got from ucok. phew.. it's really worrying me..

"He lives.. to take away my shame.."

What a mighty God we have. Every part of omy muscles still aches real bad. Actually it's getting worse today. I can't even stand up without Abbie helping me up. I can't kneel down, I can't even bend my knees if I want to take a pee.. :/ So all I can do today, is just sleeping all day. But still when I woke up, all of those aching pain wakes up as well.

Went to bed very late today. About half to 4! Yaiks.. and woke up at 12. Geez, Devi was right, I'm such a daysleeper :p I'm really tense figuring out about my future job.. Oh yes .. I did that!

it starts with a shoe.. my nike shoe.. went home and met jedi online, who's in the same time, waiting for that @#%$ of his. then, i anwered my mom with the wrong tone and the wrong words, which make her so upset. and now she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. fine!! thanks a lot!!! maybe i wont talk to her anymore.. i had enough with people upseting me with their 'need to be appriciated' ego. when they actually cant respect me back!! tired of making others happy by sacrificing myself. do they feel grateful? NO!! all they do is keep on judging me the wrong way, keep on telling me in indirect speech, that i'm not that good enough for them.. arghhhh

i've had enough with all of this!! so much for being nice and patience.

ugh.. all of my muscles aches.... just got back from going out fitness with elisa. after a whole year without a bit of exercise.. i finally get back on track. at least that's what i once wanted, before i got into those devilish cycle!!!! until now, i stil cant squat my feet..

too tired to write..

i was surfing on the net, and spotted a journal which contains a review on indonesian music, especially indie bands. it's pretty neat. i almost message the author coz i thought he's one of my friend's boyfriend. they got the same nickname!

anyhoo.. kinda depressed coz i cant go out today. dont know if i can get myself out tonight, but cant wish too much about it. really wanna go somewhere with one of best friends, and just looking out for something bizzare!

i feel like i'm kinda corny! :S

anyway, i wanna make another blog with my own language.. indonesian i mean. kinda tired writing and thinking in english..

i dont know what gets into me, that made me look for indie bands thru google. i feel lost in what i'm doing right now. i ate lunch at home btw! on saturday ... i'm really messed up. listening to U2, with Stay. now does this got anything to do with what i'm going thru?! or am i just being too sentimentil about everything?

i watched playhouse disney channel just then, and got interested with what we called a 'timer'. i hate waiting, but well we all need to. in everyday life, we put timer on something so we dont have to stay and wait. we can do other things while we're at it, and when it dings, then we know that what we're waiting for is done. some of us likes the torture of stay and wait. so even though we put on the timer, we still hang and watching at the timer. then we started to cursing and losing hope.. we got tired and weary. or.. we might try to help this ol' timer to finish its job, by pusing the needle and make it move faster than it should. just so it dings quicker. but what do we get? a premature result. it wont suit our needs.

we really need to let the time goes by, and try to distract ourselves by doing other chores. BUT CAN WE???? in practice ... HELL NO! its only a metaphore, i'm not talking just about a plain kitchen timer. what about the universal timer, that sets time for everything that we want, we need, we hope for. we get agitated and annoyed when the time went slower than it should [when it's actually doin' his job the way he should!]

i had enough listening to music ... [i cant believe i said that!!!]

i cant believe i do breakfast today. i didnt feel hungry, and there's actually nothing forced me to eat, but for me, it's a way to distract my mind of things. [yups.. and i never get any fatter than now!]

woke up this morning, and feeling rather sad coz i found no sign of new sms in my inbox, which means, he doesn't care that much about what i'm going thru right now. i tried to find a way to talk it out with someone last night, but nobody's there. everybody's busy ... so i guess, that means i'm not suppose to think about it too hard.

talking to kir right now, and she's angry with her friend, that likes her for 2 years, but suddenly now .. that guy just ignore her. dont i feel that it links so close with mine? oh yeah.. definitly!

i just realize that lately, i've become a sensitive person. over sensitive perhaps.. but this sensitivity only works for myself. i dont care about what others feels anymore. and i dont think that i like being this new me..

:: Angel ::

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

dont this song reflects what i feel right now?! x/
still searching for that second chance.
in the moment, is the end of the day. it's hard to go thru what i've been thru just for the last few hours.
still feel like i'm not good enough for what i believe, for the person himself think i'm the other way around.
i need some distraction ...
need to feel numb, need to be empty,
coz i might feel the peaceful soul when i'm empty.

in every turn i make, there's always more bacstabber waiting for their turn more than before.. maybe they think my heart is the best target to justify their experiments..
feeling that you're always strong enough,
but never admit that you might shaking in the inside.
with all those storm twisting your minds,
you and i still think that one day,
every single thing that we've done today will finally pay off.
these sadness, the emptiness, this glorious feeling of rejection and
abandoned is always more real and faithful.
but those things brings us to full surrender.

i want to feel tucked in the arms of the angel,
where all i can tell is love and security,
i need it.

dimas is kinda upset with my situation.. why everytime he thinks that there's someone new for me, it changed. he feels that it's unfair for me. but then again, i choose to be so. i care for someone that i dont think i can betray him no more. i must speak the truth, i must be there for him when he needs me, i want to be his shoulder to cry on, i want to be the one who he can feel secure and comfortable with, i want him to know that he can always count on me no matter what i once said, no matter what i've done, no matter what others may say. i want him to know that i still love him that much.

darn it!!

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why?

burst into tears ...

i need my coffee!!!

". . . The fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise are often poor, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy . ."
>>Ecclesiastes 9:11

God is fair. I cant tell you my actual feelings right now. Just got back from going out with dimas to aksara, and he told me about a thing and so. of course, the last topic right before i got out of the car is jedi. it turns out one of my neigbour likes him, and i once thought the same thing, and since he finally end up with that biatch [excuse my word, but i dont care]... that thought never came back to the surface .... until now!!! i dont know which one to hate [well not actually hate.. it's more like arrghhhh!!!]

ughhhhh .... just because of this one small unimportant thing [are u sure, it's not important???] [another... arrghhhhh!!!]. anyhoo, just becoz of this slight irritating problems, i forgot the fun that i had going out with dimas and met that cute guitarist!! hehehehe.. [i need some distraction, so just give me some credit here, k!]

uhuhuhuhu ... i'm such an idiot. i still care, but i pretend like i dont care. and it tortures me so bad. everytime i care for someone, i pretend like i dont, and .... oh my, i'm so stupid!!

next time, if u do love or care for someone, face it that u are who you are... !! :/

Once again, this furious mind of mine, started to create a problem that might not even exist! Oh dear! Keep on thinking that jedi only fool me around, with his sweet talk and sugarly promises. Cant stand the pain aftermath! What can I do?

[oh there’s something you can do alright, stop being a prejudice person!!]

it came back to my memory the days when he said he’ll save all his salary to go with me abroad. I cant stand the reality that the salary that he gets from his job right now, might not be for that cause anymore. It’s a sweet and wonderful thing to know that someone really wants to be with you, and even work his way there. But it’s a another thing to know that one day, he might not gonna feel and go that way anymore.

When I went with marisa, hanny, and maggie yesterday.. we talked about the time when hanny went abroad on vacation and had a toothache. One of the foreigners there, said “well, toothache is one of the most painful illness.” Then marisa said, “hann, you should answer him this way: well, you might wanna try broken heart!” ouch… that hits the spot real good!!

my eyes are so tired of finishing this translation about corporate planning. i cont understand their terms, and i dont understand what the passage is about. got stuck in one of those long and complicated sentences. phew!

speaking of 'phew', i dont understand how this one word can mean so many thing to different person. i mean, that is the art of speaking [one word with different tone and gestures that brings out different meanings], but .. oh well. guess you cant really anwser when a person come up to you and said "what does it mean by your 'phew'?" the answer would be .."umm, well, it's hard to describe! you should know the situation that makes me said the word." dont you think??

i feel so so tired. i hope i can go to aksara today. there's this aksara record launching.. and there will be some bands.. all with a 'the' as a starter.. well not all of 'em, but most of them!

gonna hit the sack!!! so tired!! so damn tired :/

huhuhuhuhuhu!!!! he called!! hahahahahha... cant believe that he actually called me!!! xD

thank you

finally went out with him today. not actually for a whole day, but i guess, i should be blessed by what i have. :) went to his house, kinda nervous in selecting what shirt to wear, what jeans, and the whole un-necessary thing! can u believe that! me ... going out with him, the one that i usually can go out with only wearing rag shirts or undies or whatever!! and today, i'm so afraid that he wont think me lookin' good or anything.. what a change! :/

anyhoo, went to his house, then to campus. after that we sorta got nowhere to go, and it was on that same moment of uncertain, his friends called and well ... hmm, in the end is, i go my way, and he goes his way.

going around with marisa, hanny, and maggie was such a great time too! we went from plaza indonesia, to abdul majid 'flat', then back to plaza indonesia to park hanny's car, then went to rs. jakarta. after that, guess what!! marisa, maggie and me got straight back to YADO!
hahahaha.. for 3 times a day, i came to that house.

overall, i really enjoy this day. thanks u guys.. and yeah.. thanks to jedi :)

promise is a promise.. better keep it this time! ;)

i cant tell why i love listening to alicia keys' if i ain't got u baby over and over again. so many things that needs arrangements today.

After hurting my back by finishing half of Fer’s work, I finally can relax for a while. Fer sis now continuing the work and played Marcell on the comp. Firasat. Yumma’s right, I should re-evaluate my feelings for Jedi. How is it going? I started to think it as a wrong thing when every time you heard mellow songs or tunes; you link it to a particular person. It’s been more than 2 years Indira. Do you think it’s still fair to wait and holding on to something that you know … it won’t come? Am I just deceiving myself, or is it what you called faith?

:: A Thousand Miles // Vanessa Carlton ::

This kind of philosophy has been swimming in our minds all these times. And … [my cell phone ring, Marisa asking me to join her and Arga swimming], and let’s be frank to ourselves in a second. Do you really think the answers are already yours? Do you at least have the grip of the answers’ edge? Do you know the answers? We feel stupid for feeling lost when we’re faced in this situation. Trying so bloody hard to get by. But when the situations are covered with nice events, great experiences, sweet happy coating, we then forgot about it. Without even come out with a slightest urge to look and find out all about it. So typical.

“Those who has wisdom, can judge all things, without even him being judged by others.”

What a heaven … to be able to have wisdom and let Him answer all those f***ing questions!!

:: Selepas Kau Pergi // Laluna ::

Suddenly, I feel like wanna make a list of people and things that I miss so much:

1. My mom: she’s around all right, but there’s something in her that’s not currently there. She’s easily offended lately. It made her spit out pretty harsh breaking words :(
2. My dad: I miss him since the day I was born.

[Eating ice cream chills out my mind a lil bit]

3. Abbie: she’s acting pretty awful lately. Got angry so fast, cried too hard.
4. Jedi: for every single reason there is
5. The stars: looking at them makes me feel at home.. Then where is my real home actually?
6. The little prince: for every single reason there is
7. The sunset: I need you to make me feel that I’m not alone
8. Cozy couch: I need you to rest myself from all those heavy burdens
9. A hug: so I can feel loved
10. Jesus: so I can rest my cares, just miss Him for all of the reasons that I cant even think of
11. Singing: cant live without it.

From God's Daily Promises:

I want to start life anew, to be forgiven and clean. Will God truly do that?

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:10

we all want this for sure. you always strive to be clean, but your flesh want it the other way. spirit is strong, but flesh is weak. oh dear God, really want it that way. I once had it, but i'm running away from it. ughh ...

After hurting my back by finishing half of Fer’s work, I finally can relax for a while. Fer sis now continuing the work and played Marcell on the comp. Firasat. Yumma’s right, I should re-evaluate my feelings for Jedi. How is it going? I started to think it as a wrong thing when every time you heard mellow songs or tunes; you link it to a particular person. It’s been more than 2 years Indira. Do you think it’s still fair to wait and holding on to something that you know … it won’t come? Am I just deceiving myself, or is it what you called faith?

:: A Thousand Miles // Vanessa Carlton ::

This kind of philosophy has been swimming in our minds all these times. And … [my cell phone ring, Marisa asking me to join her and Arga swimming], and let’s be frank to ourselves in a second. Do you really think the answers are already yours? Do you at least have the grip of the answers’ edge? Do you know the answers? We feel stupid for feeling lost when we’re faced in this situation. Trying so bloody hard to get by. But when the situations are covered with nice events, great experiences, sweet happy coating, we then forgot about it. Without even come out with a slightest urge to look and find out all about it. So typical.

“Those who has wisdom, can judge all things, without even him being judged by others.”

What a heaven … to be able to have wisdom and let Him answer all those f***ing questions!!

:: Selepas Kau Pergi // Laluna ::

Suddenly, I feel like wanna make a list of people and things that I miss so much:

1. My mom: she’s around all right, but there’s something in her that’s not currently there. She’s easily offended lately. It made her spit out pretty harsh breaking words :(
2. My dad: I miss him since the day I was born.

[Eating ice cream chills out my mind a lil bit]

3. Abbie: she’s acting pretty awful lately. Got angry so fast, cried too hard.
4. Jedi: for every single reason there is
5. The stars: looking at them makes me feel at home.. Then where is my real home actually?
6. The little prince: for every single reason there is
7. The sunset: I need you to make me feel that I’m not alone
8. Cozy couch: I need you to rest myself from all those heavy burdens
9. A hug: so I can feel loved
10. Jesus: so I can rest my cares, just miss Him for all of the reasons that I cant even think of
11. Singing: cant live without it.

My style-deadness [don’t know if the grammar is right] has come to another level. Every time it comes, if I’m not sitting in front of TV to kill it, I might just sit, take Abbie’s mini keyboard [well … the size is not actually a mini, but it’s still small] and play it as my heart wishes. The notes may not come out as a beautiful harmonization, but somehow I don’t mind. I can’t play piano or keyboard anyway. There’s something kind of weird though. Even if the notes are not properly played, still … it makes me feel relaxed. I played silly tunes that I made it up myself, and I feel satisfied with it. Surely I can’t replay it again, since I already forget it. But it makes me able to do the next thing normally, and with a good sense. I once think that my fingers are appropriate for playing musical instruments, but until now, still I can’t play!!!

Yes ... we finally got back from our Puncak Survey!! It was a great time. There were 5 of us, Irfan, Caca, Relyan, Hanif, and me. We went on Caca's car, got to Ma'am Gerda's villa, took notes on special landscapes and pictured the event with all of the stuff in location. We’ve made ourselves pretty useful then. After that, we went for a lunch on KFC. There was a kid's birthday party, with their mothers assembling together and made such a loud, cracking noise!! I cant believe those distortion of sounds ... I don’t wanna be that kind of mother when I grow up. I don’t want my voice to be squeaking in high notes, or (somehow it sounds like) quacking when I laugh, like they did.

Had enough with the mothers incidents, we drove back to Jakarta. On our way, I asked mom to pick me up and she told me to wait at Hanif's house. This is where the weirdest thing happened. When I told Hanif that I’ll be picked up at his house, he went kinda gawky. He said: "oh ... umm, ok, I guess.. But I don’t know when my dad'll arrive." umm.. Duh ... does it somehow ring a bell? Nope!

So I asked Irfan, apparently Hanif's dad was one of the kinds who don’t like to come back home and find there's his son's girlfriend in the house. Now ... finally, it rings a bell!!

I got paranoid! And started to sms mom, and guess what ... she laughed at me! arghhh!! I never got trapped in a situation where you can’t stay and wait at one of your friend’s house, just because you’re a girl.. And that means you shouldn't stay and wait there. ARRGGHHHH!!! That’s new!! Irfan said. It’s because his family is still a strict Arabian family. Oh boy!! I have Arabian friends and their parents don’t mind me to just stay to be picked up or anything.

If I were to be a parent, I’ll let all of my children's friends to stay at my house. At least, I can tell generally from the one's that's transiting, what kind of friends that my children has. For me.. Knowing your kid's friends thoroughly, male or female is a good thing. To create a bond is somehow not a taboo thought. Moreover, for me ... it's the manner of being a good hostess.

Many things happened yesterday ... lead me to think about what kind of parent I’d be. I wonder...

How come our carnal mind sometimes still has authority over us? Is it true? Or is it just in our ... (once again) ... minds? Inside our head, there's our mind, which in fact ... is the battlefield. I once mentioned about it, guess I’ll talk about it again.

Has anybody ever thought that this blog is also a mind, a battlefield? Where the author chooses to put a main character and made it fancy with supporting profiles, scenes, memories, and also a future. The author made you think that all that he/she wrote in this blog, comes from a decent, honest, and pure heart. You might say that all of the events happened in these postings are only an illusion. Names of other characters are place, only to entertain your mind and soul with real emotions.

Enough with goofs. Got so little things done today. Met Yumma online and helped him to put his GEEZ website on Google. It will definitely be a useful tool to promote his band online. I read this morning in the newspaper about the Jets. What a newcomer band that suddenly slam the door of charts with a distinctive presence and existence. And most of what they have now ... they owe it to each and every one of us who downloaded their songs through the net. Maybe GEEZ can do the same thing. :)

I hate problems in deciding whether I should link my site with geez's. I cant bear the truth and reality that people who I don’t know can view my site and navigate it freely, leave comments, and all. Yaiks!!! Kinda make me paranoid. This blog has become too personal, that it occurred to me, I really need to censor it here and there. At least I got to deal with the names! [Oh yeah.. tell me about the NAMES!!]. But then again, I make it such a big deal, as if anybody will actually step in and read it..

marisa sms me today, and asked me to no longer smoke pot. very well my friend. huhuhu after i made didit cried for it, and marisa sms me, i guess it's time to find another way to occupy myself.

Jedi still hasn't sms or called me. he doesn't even leave me any message on friendster or yahoo. i feel kinda wierd about everything that happened. how mad is he, that he cant even sms me?

it's fix that i'm gonna go to puncak tomorrow. phew.. at least i have somewhere to go..

link my blog to yumma's band site. just for fun, go and check it out. find the word 'geez' on "outside the box"...

ugh... i miss my best friend tista. where in the world is he.. :( is he ok, does he feel sad, or lonely... dear God, take good care of my friends wherever they are..

forget to tell!!! yumma has born again! the day he sms me and said that he went to this kebaktian padang thing with his grandma. what a joy! thank God :D

no one would believe this, but i actually got nothing else to do at home, so i study american government. huhuhuhu ... guess it can distract my mind for a while. did i mention that i talked to yumma and irfan about my dilemma. didn't talk that frank, but well it was enough to made me understand who i really am, and what i have to do.

cant believe that after all that fight, still misses him. phew.. ardi maaf yah.

i wonder what it feels like to know that you'll never have to be alone. maybe, i'll taste what it feels like one day. when the time comes, i would be prime enough to aknowledge my blessing, and be grateful for it.

it's fix.. we're going to puncak this monday. there will be lucas, me, chaca, irfan, hanif, relyan, and maybe fandi. hmm, hope nay can come along. or maybe she'll be busy with her new boyfriend aryo! congrats for nay!!! :D better be lucky next time 'ndy!;)

chatted with marisa again today. she really help me open up my mind about the way i think today. thanks ma! :D

"i wanna know what makes you cry, so i can be the one who always makes you smile ...
tell me what i gotta do to please you ... i wish i can take a journey thru your mind... "

:: I Wanna Know // Joe ::

feel like screaming out loud. but well i cant.

i had a fight with jedi last night, which continues until dawn. marisa said that my blog is a pandora box, you might as well not opening it. it contains some kind of plague that can bring disasters in your life. well at least it brings disaster to one person. and i guess that the only person that i dont want him to have another disasterous thing hitting him again.

what is wrong with me? cant somebody tell me?? what is really wrong with me? too loving, too believing, i have too much faith on something that i cant have, or is it true that i am just a plain jerk running around making others feel guilty and unhappy?

darn it!!!!! i feel like drowning.

"Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain"

talked with irfan on the phone tonight. we talked for almost an hour, figure ourselves out, with our own business. we both got the same issue, and we both got lost in making decisions to be a defensive person or else. it's a pretty tough call for all of us to make, if you ever been in my position before. haven't actually finished with my own probs, here come uncle dick with his dilemma on handling tessy. what a cruel week for most of us...

i've read jedi's message on friendster. it's quite shocking. i cant believe he wrote that. you're right jedi, still confused in whether i should believe every word he said, or just keep it for myself and let it went by. but really, just to be frank, my heart kinda melt when i read it. thanks yah!

guess we both want the same thing, but had no power to make it happen. i suppose we still have like 5 weeks to go before we can see each other again. living in the same town doesnt guarantee intensive meetings.

i dont know what to feel. i wish i can be numb. arghhhh ... now i feel so sad x'(

Oh my dear. I’m having one of the most relaxing day of the week. Went out with marisa, tya, nimas, andini, and maggie, then met hanny at aksara. Met nay there of course. After that visited arga’s house and gave her the present. Talked, and having a good time there, then straight to citos. Just to chill out and resting on one of those cozy couch at gloria’s. talked about lots of things around boys, relationships, and life itself. Mostly with maggie, marisa, and hanny. Hanny took me home, along the way, we talked about relationships, and how most of the guys out there, is very hard to understand.

Andre phoned me and asked whether I could accompanied him to dinner after church. I was at arga’s so I said that I cant. [ouch.. my uncle was like about 5 metres away from me, and he typed on the keyboard so hard and violent, that my heart starts to pumping like hell! I really thought he might smash that keyboard against the wall or something. He’s actually freaking me out!!!] Anyhoo… [still cant get my mind out of his violent typing!] x( I cant go on..

...

phew, finally it stops. Talking with hanny made me realize, that I still care for Jedi. All of my dissapointmen towards him by all of defenses are actually just a way to justify my broken heart. Yups, I admit it I feel broken. Why? Cant indira admit that she’s fragile in a way.. [you are, and we already know it!] pfftt ya su…

like what marisa said, “if only we can erase the past and just live today and have tomorrow.” Apperaently, we cant. Those bitter sweet past made us stronger, it made us who we are now. Cant we just be proud about that? Or are we too crushed to admit it?

I miss him. I still care for him. I guess I feel so much ... that I cant deny that I ...
I feel so low x’(

Whoa!!! I dreamt irfan last night. Don’t know what happened, but in the middle of waiting for the pka movie, we just sort of relaxing ourselves at someone’s house. Then suddenly, we go more chilll by resting under one’s lap and all. But it comes to hugging each other. There’s maam mamoto in the dream also!! My dear! What a shame on me!
After that, when most of us are already assembled together, he hugged and kiss my forehead!! Arghhhhhhh

It’s been a hard day. We all went to our new house at Radal, and started cleaning it all up. We washed the whole house with water, scrubbing, sweeping, yelling. Heheh yups, yelling always become one of our cleaning the house tradition.
Yesterday, I smoked pot again! And didit found out about it. I thought she was being cool about that, but appereantly, she’s not. Later on, Adi talked to me, and told me that she was crying, she felt sad and all. Last night, I sms her and said sorry, I didn’t mention anything about adi trying to flow some kind of something into me. But It doesn’t work! Haha!!

Anyway, didit told me that sonny knew about it too, she told him. And sonny was kinda pissed off with it also. I told Irfan by sms, and he said sorry since he forgot to stop me. He told me, that he will not let me consume it anymore.

I feel weird with all of the things that’s been going on. There’s no sureness about what kind of life that I’ll be facing tomorrow. I feel lost. I know I have a God who’s giving me a bright future in Him, but I’m confused. I need more of His leads.

I’m not sure whether I need to run to Jedi or not. Not sure if that’s the right thing at this moment. Not sure if he’s actually care for what I’m going thru. Cant tell myself that once I let myself go to his comforting, I will be safe. I cant reasure myself that I wont get hurt. Too scared, too tired, too stupid, too phatetic to even try once more.

For you are always on my mind …
You walk away forever …

:: you don’t miss your water // craig david ::

Let’s not wait till the water runs dry
We’ll make the biggest mistake of our lives,
Don’t do it baby..

:: Water Runs Dry // Boyz II Men ::

moved out from cilandak. Now, we’re currently staying at oom uce’s house at saharjo. Right now, in the moment when I’m writing this posting on word, they’re quarreling over jour family company. Yups, there they sit, the whole siblings, except oom harry. Talking about taxes, BOD, owner, blah blah blah…

just to be honest, I’ve been smoking pot lately. Blueberry to be exact. Nay’s friend Rano just got back fron Holland, and well …that’s the best thing money can buy for a pot fron Holland. It’s been 2 days. I don’t feel any sensation of happiness or anything. All I can feel is the emptiness, those stagnation, and the thought that what I was doing then, is the only thing that’s changing in my life. I feel stupid, but then again not. Even if I had tried things that I thought I never done before, that can make me feel more alive and flowing.. well it’s actually not. It’s an old thing that I’ve been repeating even though I didn’t realized it. Destroying myself emotionally is one new thing. It’s not good, but at least I’ve done it once.

Heaven knows
No frontiers
And I see heaven in your eyes

:: No Frontiers // The Corrs ::

I told Jedi about this, but havent got the time to told him the reasons why. He’s kinda worried with what I’m doing. I can understand his feelings. But it’s something that I must try before I cant try it anymore. I feel he’s there, but he’s not there. I’m not playing with words here, but that’s the exact thing that happens. Guess I’m in the course of finding the right path in life. I know which way I should choose, but why each time I move my feet there’s so many things that I don’t understand?

Missing Jedi so much. I miss his being there with me when I cant figure anything out about myself. I need him by my side when I’m searching for a way to understand my needs, what I want, and all that. Those searching for identity process…